Apparently my best male friend (other than Mike) is engaged. And he didn’t even give any warning or hints or anything…

We used to talk about everything. I guess not anymore…

Is it bad that I feel kind of dejected? Is dejected the right word? Not really… I feel left out but I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way because he doesn’t need to tell me everything but… I dunno.

I should feel happy for him. Though having been engaged myself and had it go wrong, I am kind of worried… Obviously the same thing won’t happen to him, but I’m worried that it won’t be what he hopes it will.

I dunno, I just wish he’d said something. Obviously it’s not really my business but, like I said, I feel left out. Are we not that good friends anymore?

Fuck college. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t go on a bus full of people and go in and pretend that I’m okay and then pretend that their bullshit doesn’t affect me. I just can’t do it anymore. I’ll do the work at home but I cannot put up with their bullshit anymore.

Ugh. God, I feel like shit. In every sense. I hurt everywhere, especially my uterus, and I hurt emotionally and I’m angry and frustrated and I just want everything to end, but I have to grit my teeth and carry on because I’m too damn soft and care too much about Mike and my family and… ugh. I’m so done both physically and psychologically. But emotionally I know I have to carry on and it’s just so frigging draining. Can someone please just rip out my womb and ovaries and my brain and just leave me a zombie because that’s what I already feel like except with more pain.

I am completely sick of everyone at that damn college. There are a few who are okay, but honestly I just want to get on and do my work and not have to deal with obnoxious people ruining that for not just me but the whole class. I don’t want to know about what they find funny, nor do I want to be told to Google it, nor do I want to see it on the projector when the lecturer isn’t in the room. Nor do I want to even hear them talking about that kind of stuff because it is wildly inappropriate and does actually offend some of us. Also talking about hanging dead animals from the ceiling for the final performance will end up with my fist in your face.

I wish I could just leave and never have to deal with them again. But I can’t because I need to make everyone else happy and actually finish something. I only have a few months left but it’s a few months too long… I really don’t know how much more of this bullshit I can take without snapping.

Yesterday I found out that I have a personality disorder (I can’t remember what the psychiatrist called it) and the depression and PTSD are because people with this disorder are more prone to getting them than stable people.
This disorder means that I don’t have adult coping mechanisms and I’m still in the fight or flight stage which means I am more likely to have suicidal thoughts when faced with stressful situations than thinking rationally to deal with them. I am also very impulsive and will buy stuff when I don’t have the money to do so and I will self harm when I get angry because impulses cause more satisfaction. There are more impulses but they’re a bit more personal. Relationships are very difficult for people with this disorder as their emotions tend to go all over the place and sometimes they will feel nothing at all and won’t be able to give their partner or family or friends the attention they need. I have never experienced this part though so I don’t know what that means.
Having this disorder means I cannot take anti-depressants as it does not deal with the psychological part of it, only with the depression that comes with it. I have anxiety pills for when I feel distressed or in danger of having flashbacks. But I need therapy for the disorder, though I need to have EMDR therapy for my PTSD first as that is a very big problem and is worsening my disorder.
So yeah. I’m a bit messed up. But I am hoping that this will help me get better because I’ve gone far too long pretending there isn’t a problem and it’s getting worse. But now I know that there is a problem and I want to get better so now the first few steps have been taken and I can finally try to sort it out.

So I have a doctor’s appointment today to talk about my depression because its just stupid how much trouble it’s been giving me and how little help I’ve gotten for it. I am also about to get my hair trimmed. There’s a presentation in college tomorrow morning which my group has done very little for, I am going to Neomantix’s gig at Lancaster Uni tomorrow night and Thursday I have a day off. Then on Friday, Mike has an interview at Bath Spa uni so we can’t do anything for our eight months until he comes over on Saturday to help me set up my new desktop computer then on Sunday we’re going out for a free lunch. As well as celebrating Toby’s birthday.
Then next Tuesday is my birthday. Ugh.
Anyway, I needed to list everything off so I remember everything.

So my depression is back. I was really properly happy all week and now it’s over. I think partly because the week is done and I have to go back to college soon. Also partly because I was a fucking idiot and thought I could spend the whole week with Mike without there being any consequences. Also because I’ve realised I can never make plans with anyone as they will always be ruined.
So I’ve been crying non-stop since I got on the bus yesterday and I still can’t stop. I just want everything to end right now.
I’ve told Mike I’m not seeing him or even talking to him until he finishes his work because I’m angry that he put me before his work. His work is far more important than me and he shouldn’t have let me stay all week instead of finishing his work.
I’ve also cancelled the dinner I was planning for my birthday because I’m sick of people finding excuses to not come. And I’m sick of having shit birthdays so I’m not doing anything this year, that way I won’t be disappointed.
I am just so done. I’m angry and upset and I don’t want to do anything anymore. I haven’t even done my work that’s due next week because I spent all week with Mike. I thought I would be able to do it today but I have no energy or motivation and I just can’t think properly right now. I’m such a fucking failure.
I just wish everything would end right now.

I… I’m staying home… Until Mike gets back that is. I need to get my work done and I can’t do that with loads of shouting teenagers around. Then again, with all the construction work that’s going on around here and with my grandma constantly barging in my room, college seems slightly quieter…

Okay, I’m not going. I’m going to college instead. Then I won’t have even more missed work to complete and I won’t have a panic attack in an unfamiliar place.
I feel like a fucking failure but I don’t think it’s a good idea to do something that’s making me feel physically ill to just think about. I think it’s mainly because I’ve been so stressed out recently. Hopefully I will be better prepared for the one in Gloucester next month and I will have done all the work I have so I won’t be as stressed out.

Two things:
1. I really hate Valentine’s day. If you’re in a relationship, you should be appreciating each other every day, not just one day a year. And it’s just a really horrible excuse for people in relationships to make the people who are lonely feel like shit. Valentine’s day should be abolished.
And 2. I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really don’t want to go to the university interview tomorrow. Honestly, I feel really sick and panicky every time I think about it and I just don’t want to do it. I feel like I can’t do it. I hate how crap I am at handling this sort of stuff because it’s just getting ridiculous.

Counselling today. I’ve got an hour to wait for my appointment and Mike’s taking me so I just need to wait for him to come and get me… Ugh, I’m not looking forward to it but I’m doing it for Mike because he wants me to get better. I want to get better but I don’t think counselling is the right thing… I don’t really want to take meds either but if that’s the only thing that’ll work for me… I don’t know…

Anyway, this presentation for singing on Thursday is getting annoying because the things my partner has given me are too general and encompass everything she’s already done. I’m doing things that I hope she hasn’t done yet… This is so stupid.

Mike is taking me to get counselling tomorrow. I hate counsellors. I’ve seen loads of them and all they did was make me feel like I didn’t really have problems, and if I was feeling better I shouldn’t have been. Which all made me feel much worse. I want to get better but counsellors make me feel worse. They make me feel so stupid, as if to say “even though you’ve done shit tonnes of research on the mental illnesses you have, I’m the one who has the qualifications so I’m going to tell you everything you already know and then tell you you’re stupid because you don’t have any reason to have these mental illnesses.” Mum think I may need meds because it might be a chemical imbalance in my brain that I was born with since I’ve had these problems my entire life not just since bad things started happening. But I really don’t want to take even more pills than I already am. If I didn’t have medical issues to deal with as well then I would be less reticent to take them, though I would still not want to take them because I don’t know if they would work or if I would get addicted to them or whatever, but I have so much shit going on inside me that it’s just getting fucking ridiculous. I feel sick, lethargic and just plain stupid all the fucking time and I really wish I wasn’t me. Or I wish I was a better me so I could actually appreciate all the good things in my life instead of being fucking miserable all the fucking time and getting fucking upset at the tiniest fucking things and fucking every fucking thing up. God, I just fucking HATE me! Why do I have to be me?!
Just…
Just kill me. Please. Let me die.

I know he cares about me but he just doesn’t get how depression works. Or how I work. He keeps saying that I’m fine but I’m not and he gets upset with me when I say I’m not fine so I have to just lie to him about it. It gets really frustrating that he just doesn’t understand or listen to me.

I just really hate me so much. And it doesn’t matter what anyone says, I am never going to not hate me.

So, I’m still not dead yet.
It’s been really difficult to fight off sleep though. That is until about 8am this morning when the neighbours decided to bring in some workmen to make all the noise they possibly could. I can hear shouting, banging, some kind of machine just monotonously droning on… Oh, and then there’s my grandparents talking downstairs, and because I come from a family of baritones and altos and this house is not soundproof, their talking is just a monotonous drone as well and it’s assaulting my ears giving me an even worse headache. Why can’t there just be silence just for one day so I can not have a headache?
My arms have bruises all over them because of the bite marks. They hurt a lot.
I am so tired and I just want to sleep forever but I can’t, obviously.